I realized that my life changed when I was no longer responsible for just myself. There I was, 19 years of age, with two teenagers 14 and 17 years of age. Oh no, not just any teenagers, they were my siblings. Flesh and blood. One may think, “Hey, that’s not so bad.” I, however, knew better, my destiny awaited me and my work was surely cut out for me. They were spoiled and rebellious (not that anything has changed). Ha. I’m not even religious, but I prayed everyday. I cried often until my eyes ran dry. I thought about giving up and at times I completely lost my mind. What kept me going was determination and a self promise. I promised myself that I would never be anything less than what I was capable of being — strong. I had, in some ways, become withdrawn within myself. It was the only way that I could remain focused. Being withdrawn caused more problems. I became a grouch. Taking care of unappreciative people each and every day can create that effect.

But you know what? If I hadn’t endured it all, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. I’m slowly coming out of my shell. I’m not always so uptight anymore. I can do things for myself without feeling bad. Most of all, I know that my mother is proudly smiling down on me. She should be, after all, she raised me. I promise myself to continue to make her proud.

I was also watching the Maury show today and the topic was about out-of-control teens. These teens were having all types of unprotected sex with random guys and just being downright unruly as hell and disrespectful to their mothers. As a parent, I can’t see myself in that position, ever. A child will disrespect you, because you let them. Those mothers obviously didn’t have any control over their children and were weak as individuals. Granted, sometimes, some things are a little difficult to deal with when it comes to children but it’s not that damned hard. It saddened me that a mother from a previous Maury show had to come on a talk to these young ladies. This same mother was on a previous out-of-control teen episode and after the show, her daughter was killed in a drive-by. I felt for her. This world is truly crazy and the children of our future are becoming more careless each day.

On a different note, I’m debating on whether or not I should keep my portfolio and design website open. I do some design work for clients but I’m just not really enthused by it much anymore. I may turn that website into something else, who knows. I don’t really feel up to updating two websites regularly so I may just post all of my work on this website. I have joined Viddler so you guys can also look forward to video blogs in the future. I was originally going to be using the Wordtube plugin, and I still may use it in the future but I joined Viddler anyway. I’m removing myself from a lot of social sites because honestly, I just don’t use them.

I hope you all had a safe and Happy Thanksgiving!

Edit: I have released my new theme. You may view it by clicking here. It is still under heavy construction, so keep checking back.

Life. I have a lot going on in my life right now but I’m glad to say that things are going alright for the most part. I’m adjusting to the life of a mother of two children. It’s not easy, but I’m getting there. Lately I find myself thinking about school. I know that I’m going back next year and in the beginning I thought I wanted to pursue a career in Graphic Design. However, my ambition is coming back. Everything I’ve always wanted to do is slowly but surely resurfacing and with that being said, I’m going to be going back to getting my Bachelors in Elementary/Special Education. Nothing has ever intrigued me more than being a teacher (besides graphic design that is, but that’s a different entry). I have always had the desire to help the community in that way. There are so many teachers who just don’t care anymore. Our children aren’t learning a damned thing in school because the teachers aren’t enthused or motivated at all. I truly believe that I was put here on earth to help people and I believe a lot of this help can start with children at young ages… the years where our children are most influenced. I don’t think there would be any other better career for me.

Online. I will be working on a new theme. There aren’t any guarantees of when it will be up because I have a mixtape cover to complete and a plethora of other things that need to be done in terms of my life but I will have something new up here hopefully soon enough. I’ll probably be closing my portfolio/design site and turning it into something else. I’m not sure yet but I’m growing weary of Graphic Design & Web Development. It’s more or less a hobby. A lot of people wake up and go to bed with art on their minds but the truth of the matter is, it seems to not be something I’m truly interested in anymore. Of course, I get the urge to design every now and then but it’s just not as interesting as it used to be now that I’m getting back to my old ways. My website will still be around of course because I love to blog (whenever I get the chance to). I may or may not be adding some things to this website, who knows. Whatever my mood permits me to do, I will do.

Other personal things going on in my life can be found in my livejournal page. I’m sure you all know that I’m a fairly private person. When I finish making some necessary changes to this website, I will begin posting private entries here too. If you would like to register, I suggest you start doing so now if you haven’t already. So far these are my registered users:

Aidee, Aurelia, BLANKstare-x, Gwanii, Jamlicious, jane, jenny, jes, Kay, kristine, lilrongal, literature, mara, Terrinesia, nadiyahw, romney, tasha, TashiaOnline, tonesa, varra, xoxoemerald

Please keep in mind that however you see your name typed above, is how you will login. Some people are unable to login because the letters are case sensitive, so therefore, they register again. I will deny any duplicate requests because it’s overwhelming and unnecessary. If your name is listed above, and you don’t remember your password, you may request a new password by going to “lost password” on the sidebar near the login form.

I find myself angrier than anything. I’ve always had a pretty fierce temper. Stupidity irritates me more than anything. The one thing that I hate most, though, is when I have to keep repeating myself. I hate telling people things over and over again just to have to repeat it again later on. It’s just a sign that people aren’t paying attention. Naturally, I’ve always been more of a listener than a speaker so I’m always hearing what other people have to say but people tend to always ask me things about myself that I have stated to them more than once. Then, when I stop answering questions these same people consider that as being “mean”. Yes, I have a bad temper but I’m not mean unless I have a reason to be.

I’m constantly questioning peoples motives and what they want from me. It’s something I feel I have to do to keep drama and bullshit out of my life. I’m not bitter and I don’t always hold grudges or anything of the sort. Life is just too short for the bullshit and games. Sometimes I just wish that we didn’t have to go through so much in life just to weed out all of the unnecessary people.

For the last week, I have been adjusting to the new addition to my family, my daughter Sylvia. It’s not easy but it’s actually not as hard as I thought it would be. My son, Syncere, is taking very well to Sylvia. In fact, he’s been my little helper since I’ve gotten home. He is very fond of her. That makes me happy. She will have her first pediatric appointment this week. Excitement!

I’m recovering quite well from the surgery. I’ve actually lost 20 lbs of the pregnancy weight already and my belly is damned near back to normal. Special thanks to my high metabolism. I haven’t been taking the proper dosage of painkillers. I’ve actually been taking less than what I was prescribed. To be honest, pills scare me. I always end up choking on one and I don’t really like how some medicines make me feel. It’s something very unsettling about being drowsy and “out of it”. It makes me panic. Call me paranoid but I’d much rather be in control of my mind and body.

As you all can see, I threw up an old theme. I’m sure most of you remember this one. I remixed it a little to sort of match my livejournal page, minus the totally different colors. I think I’m going to leave this one up for a while. I’ll be blogging of course but I just haven’t been in the mood to design my own site. I’ll be working over at my Design Site for the time being. I have some projects in the making.

Sylvia’s father and I arrived and I was monitored and prepared before everything was done. This involved receiving an IV, having my blood drawn and receiving a few medicines to break down acid in my stomach. When it was time for the procedure, I was a nervous wreck and I couldn’t stop shaking. Maybe it’s a natural response, I’m not sure. I think the thing that initially frightened me was the fact in knowing that I had to receive a spinal before everything. It turned out to be not so bad but my shaking didn’t cease. Sylvia’s father was just as nervous as I was, but he was so supportive and a lot more comforting than I thought he would be. When the procedure was over, I was still numbed from the chest down to my toes and I was so very tired. I spent the next 3 days in the hospital and I was not happy about this, let me tell you. Sylvia was born with a heart murmur and jaundice but otherwise, she is perfectly healthy and beautiful! I’ve posted a photo of her on my myspace page and Flickr. Both of these are private so you have to be a friend on both to see anything. I will be posting more photos of her as soon as I can. I just wanted to update and let you guys know that I’m alright and everything went well! Take care.

Right now I’m just listening to music, watching time pass me by. I can’t have anything to eat after 12 Midnight tonight, which pretty much sucks being as though I’m a “midnight snacker”. I’m usually up snacking. I’ll definitely be in bed early tonight. Not just because my procedure is tomorrow but I just can’t fathom the idea of staying awake and not being able to eat or drink.

Thank you all for all of your previous comments about my pregnancy and everything leading up to this point. They really mean a lot to me. Pray for me!

[Edit] 10.22.08: I received my amniocentesis today. A few hours later, my doctor called me to inform me that the baby’s lungs were not matured yet. So, I will be receiving a series of 4 needles to aide in the development of her lungs. Monday, I will receive my C-Section. If you have me added to livejournal, then you could read all of the details there. If you don’t have me added, you may add me. Please make sure that you reply to my friends only entry during this process of adding me.

[Edit] 10.23.08: I received my first injection today. This may be too much information, but the injection is received in the rear-end. I wasn’t too happy about that but the good news is that they’ve reduced the injections to two 24 hr injections, which means that I get my last one tomorrow morning. Monday is going to be my c-section of course. I’m much more relaxed but I know when Monday comes I’ll be a nervous wreck all over again.

[Edit] 10.24.08: I’ll be receiving my second and last injection today. Hopefully I won’t be as freaked out as the first time. I can’t help but wonder how everything will be on Monday. I will be updating on Sunday night before I leave Monday and I will definitely blog and show pictures when I get back from the hospital! Sidenote: I’m going to add an asides plugin. I figure it would be a great feature for small updates such as these edits. It also would come in handy on my really busy days.

I’ve lived my life putting others before myself for the most part. Now that I’m breaking out of those habits, sometimes I don’t know what would really excite me much. I suppose I would have to just try new things and see what interests me. Even as a teenager/adolescent, there was never much that excited me. However, there were a few things, such as playing basketball & softball, playing video games and there were a few other activities that I participated in. There was a program at school that they call the Junior Police Academy, which was fun. I also was a member of a club in school where we were given real court cases and were given the opportunity to act them out and everything. Yes, I was a complete nerd but I enjoyed my life nonetheless. However, most of my childhood was taken away from me because my mother was sick. She first was diagnosed with cancer when I was 11 years old. I was the oldest and we didn’t have anyone else so I picked up on a lot of motherly duties at an early age because my mother needed the help. After she was treated, there were years in which I had freedom but not as much because my mother was a single mother of 3 girls and I was the oldest, so I helped a lot with my sisters. When she was diagnosed with cancer again, I was 19 years old. Everything started all over again and I’ve spent that time until now living for other people.

I was never one to be a shopper and I never really found myself eyeballing store windows and such as I do now. Now that I’m living more for myself, I tend to take interest in smaller things that I’ve never taken interest in before. This brightens my day because even if I won’t do the shopping, it feels good to actually want something for myself. I’m about to have a beautiful baby girl and I’m more than excited about that. This pregnancy has actually changed my way of thinking dramatically. I’m very happy about it.

It all brings me to the conclusion that I’m very satisfied with my current state of mind. That being said, I have rarely ever taken anything for granted. I have learned to appreciate the simpler things in life and I’m definitely not a materialistic person, because they come and go. With the world being the way that it is, and how it will become, there isn’t a better way for me to be. Although my pregnancy is a tough one, I’m still pretty much healthy and I thank the Lord for blessing me with good health, a beautiful family (even if it’s small) and the knowledge to understand that these simple things are enough to get me through each and everyday. I have been a victim of many things in life and have still remained the strong person that I am today. What more could I ask for? Sure, I have times when I’m downright angry and/or upset but everyone does. I go through things and I learn from my mistakes. I fall, only to get back up, try again or move on. Whatever the case is, I’m happy about who I am, how I was raised and who I’m going to be in years to come. In my opinion, that’s enough to get through any national disaster.