For unknown reasons, I feel that I must make confessions. I am guilty. Guilty of the things that dance in my brain and provoke sickening thoughts. I have allowed anger to possess me. My notepad is the only form of exorcism. I’ve always been kin to sympathy, kindness, and generosity. But at some point in time, I began to despise these very traits but could not rid myself of them. I smiled at everyone I cared for and they shot back Grinch grins that sent chills up my spine. I knew these were bad signs, but because of my sensitive and tender nature, I still held onto morals and those traits that eventually became my downfall. I gave my all into whatever relations I was a part of. After a while, my heart became frozen. But why were those beautiful traits still there? I say beautiful, but they were horrible and they reciprocated nothing but selfishness, greed, and pain. My body ached. My mind caused it all. You see, I endured so much mental pain, that it began to manifest itself physically causing my brain to believe that my body was in danger. I thought I was going insane, but it was just the weariness of a long fight. I felt that life had dealt me more than I could handle, but I was stubborn. I never called it quits as much as I wanted to. I became infatuated with the simple life and it often clouded my thoughts, causing me to lose touch with reality. However, I was still very much in touch. My thoughts scrambled into pieces of a jigsaw puzzle I called “My Life”. Putting the pieces together proved more than a task, but it was a mission. That’s when I came to the conclusion that this jigsaw puzzle was the very thing that I needed to give my life meaning and purpose. Once it all comes together the jigsaw lines disappear and the picture becomes clear to me. Until then, I’m sitting at a table, with these pieces spread out and I’m determined to put them together.
Why I downgraded my Wordpress…
For starters, I think the new dashboard is ridiculously ugly and I was using spotmilk & advanced menu plugins. So everything was already organized for me. I had a very hard time navigating through 2.5 and it was beginning to truly frustrate me. I liked the idea of being able to customize the login screen and all of that crap. I mean after all, this is my website and I should practically be able to customize anything that I damned well please. So you see, there are numerous reasons for this downgrade, although, being able to test out 2.5 was alright with me. It just wasn’t working out for me. You may click on the image below to see a sample of my lovely dashboard.
EDIT//Thursday April 3, 2008//
There are some new things that are coming to the intricate life….
- I may start hosting. I’ve already sent out some emails of people I’d like to host and I may add an application. I’m not sure yet.
- There will be a new theme coming soon. Something a lot different. Excited much? eh….
- I will be placing a portfolio and order form on the website. This is for those who have inquired about designing projects.
- Lots more that I can’t think of at the moment. But I’ll get back to you guys!
Angie Says:
Sounds like a lot to deal with although I know my mental and physical self are alway in a battle with twisted emotions and everything is crazy. I hope things get better for your soon. :) The pieces will soon come together.
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Brianna Says:
A lot of people go through/have gone through what you’re going through. It’s awful to feel so overwhelmed and self-loathing, and you need to make sure that nothing drastic happens. Life can be really tricky, especially when it comes to figuring yourself out. I haven’t figured myself out quite yet, and maybe we can kind of go on that really difficult journey together. Anyways, regarding WP 2.5, I never had any customizations like you, so this upgrade is a big deal for me… I totally love it. Your setup, from what I can tell from the photo, is really organized and structured. But I figure I either learn the 2.5 interface or construct one and learn it like you did — either way it takes learning.
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Rece Says:
Hey! I think at some point in time we all sit down and try to make sense of what has become our life. Although it may not be apparent now, everything happens for a reason.
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(Olivia) Says:
The top paragraph was a really good read.
I think that’s what all our lives are about. Finding out what our life events lead up to.
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shay Says:
WOW!! THOSE WORDS WERE GOOD.. ITS LIKE U NEED THAT IN ORDER FOR YOUR LIFE TO BE GOOD.. YOUR WORDS ARE DEEP BUT TRUE.. LOVE IT!!
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Brandy Says:
Love the dashboard. I’m guessing you edited Spotmilk, and customised it to your own needs? I’m using the Nice Admin plugin.
I hate that feeling of guilt. It haunts you forever, unless you spill the beans, which isn’t any easier on you.
Brandy’s last blog post..April Fools.
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Shen Says:
Very well said. I’ve been in that position as well. I felt as though I couldn’t handle life anymore. I’m seeing a psychologist though. My notepad is my best friend. All my thoughts and rambings are written there. I guess it’s a good way to express yourself and release anger.
Oh your dashboard is lovely. =D
Shen’s last blog post..Misconception of Islam
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Eunice Says:
I’m sorry you feel so mixed up currently; I hope everything goes fine soon :) Life is a horribly complicated thing.
Dang, I hate the new Wordpress too, but I just upgraded it, and I guess I’ll just stick with it for the moment..
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claire Says:
hm…i know exactly how you feel. i say i’m a christian and ever since like 8th grade i’ve tried to act like it and you’re acting nice to ppl eventhough they act stupid, you try not to judge but the facts are just right there and then ppl walk all over you and you try and not look at it like that. idk, theres just times when i just want to be so selfish and i don’t want to care about anyone else anymore
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Marie Says:
I don’t really like the new WP either, ugh!
Marie’s last blog post..Canada is ashamed, Quebec is insulted
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Jasmine Says:
I really like your dashboard, I’m going to try the plug-in .
Was it easy to customize ? I get scared I’m going to mess everything up.
Is that a photo plug-in you use, for your photos to pop up like that ?
Jasmine’s last blog post..Bummed & On a Budget
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